Four Stages of Competence - Dialogue Style.

It's like riding a bike...

When I think of teaching, coaching and developing communication skills, I often refer to the Four Stages of Competence. Like all skill development, it takes time, patience and a recogntion that it is a process - not an event!

The most relatable analogy for this is to imagine when you first learned to ride a bike; awkward and shaky at the start with scraped elbows and bleeding knees (unconscious incompetence), then a few halting attempts (conscious incompetence), then your first smooth ride (conscious competence) with turns and stops and onward until you ride confidently on many terrains and on different bikes (unconscious competence). And then, if you keep at it with practice, coaching and challenge, your skills keep climbing and you're heading toward mastery.

When we frame this as dialogue, the bike is a high-stakes board meeting, a grumpy client or an important first date! But the principles are the same; you start to learn, you get better,  you keep practicing, you challenge yourself and you decide to what level you want to develop your skills. Are you a recreational rider or a high level competitor?

Here's how I frame this with dialogue (defined as a conversation between 2 or more people). 

Stage 1. Reduce Stress & Learn New Skills. (Unconscious Incompetence)

The "Blissfully Oblivious Interrupter"

🗣️ At this stage, you’re the person who talks over everyone, misses every non-verbal cue, and tells 10-minute stories with no punchline and you think you’re crushing it. 

👉 Fun Fact: Most people stay here because their friends are too polite to tell them they’re "conversational steamrollers."

💬 Dialogue Example: You ask someone "How are you?" and then immediately start talking about your lunch before they can answer.

Stage 2.  Apply in Context & Practice Skills. (Conscious Incompetence)

The "Awkward Silence Observer"

🙋‍♀️ You’ve just taken a communication workshop. Now, you realize you have terrible habits, but you don’t know how to fix them yet. You’re hyper-aware of every "um," "ah," and awkward silence.

👉  Fun Fact: This is the most painful stage. You’ll catch yourself interrupting someone, stop mid-sentence, and then just stare at them because you forgot the "Active Listening" part.

💬 Dialogue Example: You notice you’re crossing your arms defensively, so you unfold them, but then you don’t know what to do with your hands, so you just put them in your pockets. Then take them out. Then put them back.

Stage 3. New Habits & Applied Coaching. (Conscious Competence)

The "Conversational Bobblehead"

💪 You’re doing it! You’re using open-ended questions, you’re mirroring, and you’re validating emotions. However, it’s exhausting. Your brain is working at 100% capacity just to remember to "summarize and reflect."

👉  Fun Fact: You might look a bit like a robot. You’re so focused on the technique that you occasionally lose track of the person.

💬 Dialogue Example: Internal Monologue: "Okay, they said they're stressed. Now I should use a validating statement. 'It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed.' Nailed it. Now, remember to maintain 70% eye contact. Am I staring? I'm staring."

Stage 4.  Leadership Level & Mastery of Skills.  (Unconscious Competence)

The "Conversational Jedi"

🥷 Dialogue is now part of your DNA. You de-escalate conflicts without thinking, you build rapport effortlessly, and you hold space for others like a pro. You aren't "using a tool"; you are just being a great communicator.

👉 Fun Fact: People will start describing you as "charismatic" or "a great listener," but they won't be able to point out exactly what you're doing. It's the "invisible skill."

💬 Dialogue Example: A colleague is venting. Without a single "mental checklist," you naturally lean in, give them your full presence, and ask the one perfect question that helps them solve their own problem.

🚴‍♀️ It's a study. It requires some effort, some investment and some trial and error. It grows and develops with learning, practice, coaching and refinement.

Communication in this context, simply applies to everything we do, every single day.

It's worth being nerdy about.

Becky